11.04.2010
Man, today was just rough. I love doing this stuff but I am stressed out with my own life stuff and having absolute chaos occur the morning after a wonderfully fun evening was not my idea of a good return to the real world.
But I'm still every bit as committed and having awesome, supportive, and compassionate co-workers makes it easy to let go and look forward to tomorrow. I just have to keep reminding myself why I started this school and figure out a way to explain it to them so that they take more pride in what a unique and holistic community we have the chance to be.
Something I wrote to a friend today:
I went to Eastern for grad school for a year and then "took time off" to start the school. I probably wont go back because I see it as betraying my values about education. I started this school because I dont think that testing, grades, certificates, etc mean anything about your learning or ability to excel in life. If I get the masters degree i'm just buying into a system I'm fighting against. It took me a whole year into my masters degree to come to that revelation.
So now I'm just trying to be true to what I really believe in while still surviving in a society that has different plans.
.............
Being more open and honest about my life means that my friends are more forgiving of my disappearances, my foul mood, and my lack of conversation. They all seem to be genuinely supportive of me right now which is exactly what I need. It's refreshing on a day when things seem impossible at first.
But I'm still every bit as committed and having awesome, supportive, and compassionate co-workers makes it easy to let go and look forward to tomorrow. I just have to keep reminding myself why I started this school and figure out a way to explain it to them so that they take more pride in what a unique and holistic community we have the chance to be.
Something I wrote to a friend today:
I went to Eastern for grad school for a year and then "took time off" to start the school. I probably wont go back because I see it as betraying my values about education. I started this school because I dont think that testing, grades, certificates, etc mean anything about your learning or ability to excel in life. If I get the masters degree i'm just buying into a system I'm fighting against. It took me a whole year into my masters degree to come to that revelation.
So now I'm just trying to be true to what I really believe in while still surviving in a society that has different plans.
.............
Being more open and honest about my life means that my friends are more forgiving of my disappearances, my foul mood, and my lack of conversation. They all seem to be genuinely supportive of me right now which is exactly what I need. It's refreshing on a day when things seem impossible at first.
9.21.2010
Sentimental heart...
the weight of my heart has increased significantly this week. I've never been so close to perfect... I've never been so content with my life and it's direction and pace. a strange calm has taken over my anxious waiting.
Every song played throws me back to my old aches and pains and the recognition of a complete lack of them now... amazing how in my lack of distress I inflict distress upon myself. Old loves, old neglects. All of it comes rushing back on my solitary drive to and from work and the restless space between the end of the work day and the start of the night.
the parent night went well.... everyone was so supportive and generous with their compliments (even tho we are still struggling daily with learning a new way of being). We heard great stories of kids saying playing all day wasn't special anymore and he needed something more challenging (haha already?! and this is from the one who plays harder and longer than all the others!) and they're using our emergency and conflict resolution procedures at home with fierce ownership of their voices. It's amazing that we are already seeing changes in the students in the first few weeks.
and then there is the just plain awesome stuff like reading book after book to a group of 4-6 year olds <3 and having kids on my lap at meetings <3 and watching the kids enforce the rules <3
I can't keep up with them already! I barely get started and they're in another direction and i'm struggling to find information on the thing they were talking about last week... Oh well. Hopefully I'll get better as the days go on.
One this is for sure.. I'm freaking exhausted and ready to enjoy the night with my fabulous boyfriend, doug!
Every song played throws me back to my old aches and pains and the recognition of a complete lack of them now... amazing how in my lack of distress I inflict distress upon myself. Old loves, old neglects. All of it comes rushing back on my solitary drive to and from work and the restless space between the end of the work day and the start of the night.
the parent night went well.... everyone was so supportive and generous with their compliments (even tho we are still struggling daily with learning a new way of being). We heard great stories of kids saying playing all day wasn't special anymore and he needed something more challenging (haha already?! and this is from the one who plays harder and longer than all the others!) and they're using our emergency and conflict resolution procedures at home with fierce ownership of their voices. It's amazing that we are already seeing changes in the students in the first few weeks.
and then there is the just plain awesome stuff like reading book after book to a group of 4-6 year olds <3 and having kids on my lap at meetings <3 and watching the kids enforce the rules <3
I can't keep up with them already! I barely get started and they're in another direction and i'm struggling to find information on the thing they were talking about last week... Oh well. Hopefully I'll get better as the days go on.
One this is for sure.. I'm freaking exhausted and ready to enjoy the night with my fabulous boyfriend, doug!
8.19.2010
I'm drowning- in the best possible way....
I'm not making it. Physically, financially, and mentally I'm swimming in a sea of hopelessness. And this is a good day!
Well. It's not as bad as I make it sound and much more complicated than I can explain. I love the work I'm doing - most of it. The insurance, the staffing, the rent, the flyering, the forms, the cleaning, building, painting, meeting and greeting, and schmoozing, is all for the end of having a place where I will belong. A place to finally feel at home.
But I still have bills racking up and health issues to deal with and my constant inability to believe all my hard work will pay off. I've been working for free for a year now trying to get this thing up and running and will probably be doing more work than I'm getting paid for for the year to come. It's a bit discouraging even though the money was never why I chose this path.
I'd like to be able to focus my time and energy on Little Lake but can't shake my day-to-day obligations. And those obligations are making it hard to not think about money in the scheme of this project. Will be survive the year? will I be able to pay my bills? Please don't let any students drop in the middle of the year!!!! We'll be dead... just dead....i mean not dead... ahahaha
Oh man I'm getting looopy time for some relaxing!
Well. It's not as bad as I make it sound and much more complicated than I can explain. I love the work I'm doing - most of it. The insurance, the staffing, the rent, the flyering, the forms, the cleaning, building, painting, meeting and greeting, and schmoozing, is all for the end of having a place where I will belong. A place to finally feel at home.
But I still have bills racking up and health issues to deal with and my constant inability to believe all my hard work will pay off. I've been working for free for a year now trying to get this thing up and running and will probably be doing more work than I'm getting paid for for the year to come. It's a bit discouraging even though the money was never why I chose this path.
I'd like to be able to focus my time and energy on Little Lake but can't shake my day-to-day obligations. And those obligations are making it hard to not think about money in the scheme of this project. Will be survive the year? will I be able to pay my bills? Please don't let any students drop in the middle of the year!!!! We'll be dead... just dead....i mean not dead... ahahaha
Oh man I'm getting looopy time for some relaxing!
7.25.2010
25 and a little wiser?
It's been a rough start to the year but I think things are finally picking up. Yesterday was my birthday and beerfest! which was amazing after spending the day before in the ER with picc line problems and the evening coughing. The sun was out, my belly was full of yummy seva foods, and i got to spend a lovely day of beer tasting with doug and his parents. Seems like 25 should be a little better than 24.
6.23.2010
NADEC 2010 - First Day recap
Wow. Yesterday was emotionally draining... In a good way.
The first activity was much more personal for me than I had expected. On the way here I had decided that my goal for the week was to become more comfortable explaining how I got where I am and to be more of a whole person instead of this schizophrenic shift I do between the education fanatic, workaholic and the sensitive and chronically ill young adult. I paired up with an older gentleman named Ken who was at least very interested in what I had to say, if a little hard of hearing. I told him how my inspiration for getting into alternative schools actually happened in early high school when my homebound teacher Ms. Pat encouraged me to explore different ways of learning and to not settle for what was put in front of me.
Then we had to introduce our partner to the whole group. He recapped my story and provided a very heartfelt addition of "I think it's amazing that she is even here - this well educated woman who has accomplished so much despite having cystic fibrosis".
It was just too much to handle so quickly and I started to cry. Not tears of sadness or embarrassment, but genuine gratefulness for his eloquent and flattering introduction and everything I have in this world.
The rest of the day was up and down as I searched for nebulizer tubing, walked to the hotel to take my meds, chatted with housekeeping, met a couple of amazing people during downtime at the Free School, and got to know melissa and matt a lot better.
Today is all workshops, food, and a field trip to waterfalls from 4-6! So I'm not even minding only getting 6 hours of restless sleep.
The first activity was much more personal for me than I had expected. On the way here I had decided that my goal for the week was to become more comfortable explaining how I got where I am and to be more of a whole person instead of this schizophrenic shift I do between the education fanatic, workaholic and the sensitive and chronically ill young adult. I paired up with an older gentleman named Ken who was at least very interested in what I had to say, if a little hard of hearing. I told him how my inspiration for getting into alternative schools actually happened in early high school when my homebound teacher Ms. Pat encouraged me to explore different ways of learning and to not settle for what was put in front of me.
Then we had to introduce our partner to the whole group. He recapped my story and provided a very heartfelt addition of "I think it's amazing that she is even here - this well educated woman who has accomplished so much despite having cystic fibrosis".
It was just too much to handle so quickly and I started to cry. Not tears of sadness or embarrassment, but genuine gratefulness for his eloquent and flattering introduction and everything I have in this world.
The rest of the day was up and down as I searched for nebulizer tubing, walked to the hotel to take my meds, chatted with housekeeping, met a couple of amazing people during downtime at the Free School, and got to know melissa and matt a lot better.
Today is all workshops, food, and a field trip to waterfalls from 4-6! So I'm not even minding only getting 6 hours of restless sleep.
6.20.2010
5.13.2010
my problem with education - may 13 version
Authentic learning does not mean writing a chapter for a book. I think authentic learning is much more organic - something that holds personal meaning and expands your knowledge of the world in a way that pushes you toward action. Mere description and analysis constrained by "academic" format, language structure, and time scales will rarely turn into authentic learning.
Teaching does not always mean being an expert on the topic at hand. Isn't there more to learn from struggling along with someone to find a solution to a problem? Why does it have to be observable? measurable? I find more value in the things I can't quantify - the love i feel for my family, the feeling of absolute contentment, late night philosophical conversations with friends, the REAL world stuff.
Teaching does not always mean being an expert on the topic at hand. Isn't there more to learn from struggling along with someone to find a solution to a problem? Why does it have to be observable? measurable? I find more value in the things I can't quantify - the love i feel for my family, the feeling of absolute contentment, late night philosophical conversations with friends, the REAL world stuff.
5.10.2010
lessons from mnmlist - or - what i learned from dating doug
"you need less than you think"
"I just like to be away from everything"
I'm feeling very sentimental today. Remembering the good times more than the bad today. It's a good feeling... longing for the next big thing. the feelings of contentment and connection. Real connection. Not this facade of caring. the PC interaction between individuals, claiming community.
I haven't even accomplished this goal and i'm already thinking of my next step. another place where i might find contentment. Yes it's worth it. No it isn't solving the problems. Maybe if we could find a way around monetary concerns, regulations, and government micromanagement of living options. I want to live off the grid. I want to be free from rent, bills, lines, and automated answering services.
It's about what you do RIGHT NOW to change things. not your plans for later. So why is it so hard for me to get rid of these unnecessary possessions? Bad habits supposedly keeping me sane. the hopeless, cynical, and indignant response to the work that still needs to be done.
bah. I'm going to play guitar and enjoy my day off....
"I just like to be away from everything"
I'm feeling very sentimental today. Remembering the good times more than the bad today. It's a good feeling... longing for the next big thing. the feelings of contentment and connection. Real connection. Not this facade of caring. the PC interaction between individuals, claiming community.
I haven't even accomplished this goal and i'm already thinking of my next step. another place where i might find contentment. Yes it's worth it. No it isn't solving the problems. Maybe if we could find a way around monetary concerns, regulations, and government micromanagement of living options. I want to live off the grid. I want to be free from rent, bills, lines, and automated answering services.
It's about what you do RIGHT NOW to change things. not your plans for later. So why is it so hard for me to get rid of these unnecessary possessions? Bad habits supposedly keeping me sane. the hopeless, cynical, and indignant response to the work that still needs to be done.
bah. I'm going to play guitar and enjoy my day off....
4.23.2010
while i'm at it...
I made a wish list for the LLFS website the other day and it made me think of my old christmas/birthday lists... so here it goes.
"Mary's 25th birthday wish list" OR "what I want before the NY trip at the end of June"
*new digital camera
*new all season tires (maybe some sweet rims while you're at it!)
*Loft for my full size bed
*Bike basket and helmet
*a place to plant my dying seedlings
*new glasses
*Adobe acrobat/access/whatever the heck will make my life easier
*A new home for Lil Mama
*65 Roses sleeve
*Video Camera
*new haircut&dye
*an awesome part time AM job for the summer
*YMCA membership
*MOOONEY
"Mary's 25th birthday wish list" OR "what I want before the NY trip at the end of June"
*new digital camera
*new all season tires (maybe some sweet rims while you're at it!)
*Loft for my full size bed
*Bike basket and helmet
*a place to plant my dying seedlings
*new glasses
*Adobe acrobat/access/whatever the heck will make my life easier
*A new home for Lil Mama
*65 Roses sleeve
*Video Camera
*new haircut&dye
*an awesome part time AM job for the summer
*YMCA membership
*MOOONEY
4.16.2010
annoyance factor = 70%
some of my favorite times are drinking while my friends play maaad guitar, man. Maaad guitar. haha.
Anyway. Today was very up and down as usual. GI appointment this morning was a disappointing adventure. All tests normal and slight annoyance perceived from the dude to whom my insurance pays thousands of dollars for him to tell me that everything's fine and if avoiding dairy makes me feel better I should do that. The thing is... it's not that simple. it did help. But then I added it back in and no trouble.... SOOOO I assume that the problem is chronic and intermittent instead of an intolerance to a specific item. And can anything be given to me to ease the symptoms and make my life tolerable? of course not. So I left crying because I cant stand feeling uncomfortable, nauseous, and in pain everyday of my life. I don't want to live forever, but I'd love to be able to enjoy the days I have.
I meant to nap when I returned home. Instead I did some work for the school and my presentation tomorrow. It didnt help me feel better but it took my mind off of everything.
I've been at Doug's since after work. I spent the first hour I was hear writing out my democracy part and drank some wine. Fruit, white wine, and my favorite person in the world. a good night.
I'm struggling with the point of it all again. Dr. Rosen wants to hear from my therapist.... what f-in therapist? I don't need to talk about my problems. They are the type that will not get easier with discussion. Why the heck would I pay to see a therapist when i'm very capable of talking with my friends, family, or writing. I have coping skills. I know how to calm myself down, rationalize my crazy feelings, and identify cognitive distortions. unfortunately none of these things help me with the repetitive, uncontrollable, and injust problems in my life and the world. Talking about my pain, illness, hatred of the world will not do anything but make me more anxious and upset. Why does everyone insist on talking about my problems? I am sooo sick of responding to "how are you" with a fake I'm alright, or flat out lie-"I'm good how are you?". Because, seriously, do you want to know my entire life story? why I hate everything but the things I'm not supposed to do? or would you rather go about your day worrying about your own problems? exactly. I would like to go about my day as well.
But can I get some symptom supression? an "I don't give a fuck" pill? Nope. No hope for me.
Which makes me want to live less. Instead of working toward making a better world for the coming generations, a world where community, nature, and wonder thrive, I am spending my days wishing for the next; hoping it will be less annoying, painful, or in vain.
I want to be able to talk to my friends and family about the way I envision the world could be... instead of the way it is.
But most of me doubts that it's possible and have no confidence to convince others to join my cause.
where will I be this time next year? will I be as doubtful? As angry? As pessimistic?
I hope that in my work with the Little Lake Free School I can create a space where the things I love are bountiful, and hatred eliminated. my fingers are crossed and my taro cards foretell good news....
Anyway. Today was very up and down as usual. GI appointment this morning was a disappointing adventure. All tests normal and slight annoyance perceived from the dude to whom my insurance pays thousands of dollars for him to tell me that everything's fine and if avoiding dairy makes me feel better I should do that. The thing is... it's not that simple. it did help. But then I added it back in and no trouble.... SOOOO I assume that the problem is chronic and intermittent instead of an intolerance to a specific item. And can anything be given to me to ease the symptoms and make my life tolerable? of course not. So I left crying because I cant stand feeling uncomfortable, nauseous, and in pain everyday of my life. I don't want to live forever, but I'd love to be able to enjoy the days I have.
I meant to nap when I returned home. Instead I did some work for the school and my presentation tomorrow. It didnt help me feel better but it took my mind off of everything.
I've been at Doug's since after work. I spent the first hour I was hear writing out my democracy part and drank some wine. Fruit, white wine, and my favorite person in the world. a good night.
I'm struggling with the point of it all again. Dr. Rosen wants to hear from my therapist.... what f-in therapist? I don't need to talk about my problems. They are the type that will not get easier with discussion. Why the heck would I pay to see a therapist when i'm very capable of talking with my friends, family, or writing. I have coping skills. I know how to calm myself down, rationalize my crazy feelings, and identify cognitive distortions. unfortunately none of these things help me with the repetitive, uncontrollable, and injust problems in my life and the world. Talking about my pain, illness, hatred of the world will not do anything but make me more anxious and upset. Why does everyone insist on talking about my problems? I am sooo sick of responding to "how are you" with a fake I'm alright, or flat out lie-"I'm good how are you?". Because, seriously, do you want to know my entire life story? why I hate everything but the things I'm not supposed to do? or would you rather go about your day worrying about your own problems? exactly. I would like to go about my day as well.
But can I get some symptom supression? an "I don't give a fuck" pill? Nope. No hope for me.
Which makes me want to live less. Instead of working toward making a better world for the coming generations, a world where community, nature, and wonder thrive, I am spending my days wishing for the next; hoping it will be less annoying, painful, or in vain.
I want to be able to talk to my friends and family about the way I envision the world could be... instead of the way it is.
But most of me doubts that it's possible and have no confidence to convince others to join my cause.
where will I be this time next year? will I be as doubtful? As angry? As pessimistic?
I hope that in my work with the Little Lake Free School I can create a space where the things I love are bountiful, and hatred eliminated. my fingers are crossed and my taro cards foretell good news....
3.30.2010
don't drink espresso at 8pm
I can't sleep.
I'm so conflicted lately. All I can think about is living a no impact lifestyle in the middle of nowhere.
And then there is the other half of me that is ecstatic about fulfilling my dreams and creating an alternative to this mess we call civilization... the part that gets me up everyday. No matter what happens I get pushed closer to my dreams and I'm constantly in awe of how lucky I am.
Then why do I hate everything so much?
There are the large things, like civilization, war, and inequality. Then there are the little day to day things. The smashing of the car into the parking structure post once again. The annoying little rodent I call a pet keeping me up at all hours chewing on the cage. The busted blood vessel I got from clapping at her to stop. The apartment hunting, the insurance hassles, and the drama.
I haven't been able to check my blood sugar in a week because my insurance (the one for my cystic fibrosis) wont cover them. Why won't they cover them? I have no idea when my diagnosis code printed on the prescription says "cystic fibrosis related diabetes". That's not type1 and that's not type2. It's a direct result of having cystic fibrosis. But they won't cover them. Why do I try?
My disease's effect on my body as analogous to our species effect on the earth. We're parasites that have overgrown our carrying capacity. What does a parasite do when it's host dies? It either finds another host or it dies too, and let's hope it reproduced! I know we will try to find another place to destroy but I seriously hope we don't.
I realize that without current technology I would not be alive. But that has no bearing on my opinion of either my effect on the earth or this disease's effect on my body. I shouldn't be alive right now and sometimes I can feel it. There is far more suffering in the world because of technology than there ever was without. We forget that death is a reality in this world and nothing is forever. We keep striving for more instead of recognizing how great we have it.
I'm really hoping that getting this stuff out of me will make it easier to fall asleep.
I shouldn't be awake right now I have so much to do tomorrow.
... goodnight.
I'm so conflicted lately. All I can think about is living a no impact lifestyle in the middle of nowhere.
And then there is the other half of me that is ecstatic about fulfilling my dreams and creating an alternative to this mess we call civilization... the part that gets me up everyday. No matter what happens I get pushed closer to my dreams and I'm constantly in awe of how lucky I am.
Then why do I hate everything so much?
There are the large things, like civilization, war, and inequality. Then there are the little day to day things. The smashing of the car into the parking structure post once again. The annoying little rodent I call a pet keeping me up at all hours chewing on the cage. The busted blood vessel I got from clapping at her to stop. The apartment hunting, the insurance hassles, and the drama.
I haven't been able to check my blood sugar in a week because my insurance (the one for my cystic fibrosis) wont cover them. Why won't they cover them? I have no idea when my diagnosis code printed on the prescription says "cystic fibrosis related diabetes". That's not type1 and that's not type2. It's a direct result of having cystic fibrosis. But they won't cover them. Why do I try?
My disease's effect on my body as analogous to our species effect on the earth. We're parasites that have overgrown our carrying capacity. What does a parasite do when it's host dies? It either finds another host or it dies too, and let's hope it reproduced! I know we will try to find another place to destroy but I seriously hope we don't.
I realize that without current technology I would not be alive. But that has no bearing on my opinion of either my effect on the earth or this disease's effect on my body. I shouldn't be alive right now and sometimes I can feel it. There is far more suffering in the world because of technology than there ever was without. We forget that death is a reality in this world and nothing is forever. We keep striving for more instead of recognizing how great we have it.
I'm really hoping that getting this stuff out of me will make it easier to fall asleep.
I shouldn't be awake right now I have so much to do tomorrow.
... goodnight.
free school meeting and oberon night with the roomie
we aren't meant to be freeeee it's all an illusion
we're the emperor and the fucking government is his new clothes
we're the emperor and the fucking government is his new clothes
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