annoyance factor = 70%

some of my favorite times are drinking while my friends play maaad guitar, man. Maaad guitar. haha.

Anyway. Today was very up and down as usual. GI appointment this morning was a disappointing adventure. All tests normal and slight annoyance perceived from the dude to whom my insurance pays thousands of dollars for him to tell me that everything's fine and if avoiding dairy makes me feel better I should do that. The thing is... it's not that simple. it did help. But then I added it back in and no trouble.... SOOOO I assume that the problem is chronic and intermittent instead of an intolerance to a specific item. And can anything be given to me to ease the symptoms and make my life tolerable? of course not. So I left crying because I cant stand feeling uncomfortable, nauseous, and in pain everyday of my life. I don't want to live forever, but I'd love to be able to enjoy the days I have.

I meant to nap when I returned home. Instead I did some work for the school and my presentation tomorrow. It didnt help me feel better but it took my mind off of everything.

I've been at Doug's since after work. I spent the first hour I was hear writing out my democracy part and drank some wine. Fruit, white wine, and my favorite person in the world. a good night.

I'm struggling with the point of it all again. Dr. Rosen wants to hear from my therapist.... what f-in therapist? I don't need to talk about my problems. They are the type that will not get easier with discussion. Why the heck would I pay to see a therapist when i'm very capable of talking with my friends, family, or writing. I have coping skills. I know how to calm myself down, rationalize my crazy feelings, and identify cognitive distortions. unfortunately none of these things help me with the repetitive, uncontrollable, and injust problems in my life and the world. Talking about my pain, illness, hatred of the world will not do anything but make me more anxious and upset. Why does everyone insist on talking about my problems? I am sooo sick of responding to "how are you" with a fake I'm alright, or flat out lie-"I'm good how are you?". Because, seriously, do you want to know my entire life story? why I hate everything but the things I'm not supposed to do? or would you rather go about your day worrying about your own problems? exactly. I would like to go about my day as well.

But can I get some symptom supression? an "I don't give a fuck" pill? Nope. No hope for me.

Which makes me want to live less. Instead of working toward making a better world for the coming generations, a world where community, nature, and wonder thrive, I am spending my days wishing for the next; hoping it will be less annoying, painful, or in vain.

I want to be able to talk to my friends and family about the way I envision the world could be... instead of the way it is.
But most of me doubts that it's possible and have no confidence to convince others to join my cause.

where will I be this time next year? will I be as doubtful? As angry? As pessimistic?

I hope that in my work with the Little Lake Free School I can create a space where the things I love are bountiful, and hatred eliminated. my fingers are crossed and my taro cards foretell good news....