don't drink espresso at 8pm

I can't sleep.

I'm so conflicted lately. All I can think about is living a no impact lifestyle in the middle of nowhere.

And then there is the other half of me that is ecstatic about fulfilling my dreams and creating an alternative to this mess we call civilization... the part that gets me up everyday. No matter what happens I get pushed closer to my dreams and I'm constantly in awe of how lucky I am.

Then why do I hate everything so much?

There are the large things, like civilization, war, and inequality. Then there are the little day to day things. The smashing of the car into the parking structure post once again. The annoying little rodent I call a pet keeping me up at all hours chewing on the cage. The busted blood vessel I got from clapping at her to stop. The apartment hunting, the insurance hassles, and the drama.

I haven't been able to check my blood sugar in a week because my insurance (the one for my cystic fibrosis) wont cover them. Why won't they cover them? I have no idea when my diagnosis code printed on the prescription says "cystic fibrosis related diabetes". That's not type1 and that's not type2. It's a direct result of having cystic fibrosis. But they won't cover them. Why do I try?

My disease's effect on my body as analogous to our species effect on the earth. We're parasites that have overgrown our carrying capacity. What does a parasite do when it's host dies? It either finds another host or it dies too, and let's hope it reproduced! I know we will try to find another place to destroy but I seriously hope we don't.

I realize that without current technology I would not be alive. But that has no bearing on my opinion of either my effect on the earth or this disease's effect on my body. I shouldn't be alive right now and sometimes I can feel it. There is far more suffering in the world because of technology than there ever was without. We forget that death is a reality in this world and nothing is forever. We keep striving for more instead of recognizing how great we have it.

I'm really hoping that getting this stuff out of me will make it easier to fall asleep.
I shouldn't be awake right now I have so much to do tomorrow.
... goodnight.