NADEC 2010 - First Day recap

Wow. Yesterday was emotionally draining... In a good way.


The first activity was much more personal for me than I had expected. On the way here I had decided that my goal for the week was to become more comfortable explaining how I got where I am and to be more of a whole person instead of this schizophrenic shift I do between the education fanatic, workaholic and the sensitive and chronically ill young adult. I paired up with an older gentleman named Ken who was at least very interested in what I had to say, if a little hard of hearing. I told him how my inspiration for getting into alternative schools actually happened in early high school when my homebound teacher Ms. Pat encouraged me to explore different ways of learning and to not settle for what was put in front of me.


Then we had to introduce our partner to the whole group. He recapped my story and provided a very heartfelt addition of "I think it's amazing that she is even here - this well educated woman who has accomplished so much despite having cystic fibrosis".


It was just too much to handle so quickly and I started to cry. Not tears of sadness or embarrassment, but genuine gratefulness for his eloquent and flattering introduction and everything I have in this world.


The rest of the day was up and down as I searched for nebulizer tubing, walked to the hotel to take my meds, chatted with housekeeping, met a couple of amazing people during downtime at the Free School, and got to know melissa and matt a lot better.


Today is all workshops, food, and a field trip to waterfalls from 4-6! So I'm not even minding only getting 6 hours of restless sleep.

Ann Arbor's Little Lake Free School will offer novel approach to education this fall - AnnArbor.com

Ann Arbor's Little Lake Free School will offer novel approach to education this fall - AnnArbor.com

my problem with education - may 13 version

Authentic learning does not mean writing a chapter for a book. I think authentic learning is much more organic - something that holds personal meaning and expands your knowledge of the world in a way that pushes you toward action. Mere description and analysis constrained by "academic" format, language structure, and time scales will rarely turn into authentic learning.

Teaching does not always mean being an expert on the topic at hand. Isn't there more to learn from struggling along with someone to find a solution to a problem? Why does it have to be observable? measurable? I find more value in the things I can't quantify - the love i feel for my family, the feeling of absolute contentment, late night philosophical conversations with friends, the REAL world stuff.

lessons from mnmlist - or - what i learned from dating doug

"you need less than you think"

"I just like to be away from everything"

I'm feeling very sentimental today. Remembering the good times more than the bad today. It's a good feeling... longing for the next big thing. the feelings of contentment and connection. Real connection. Not this facade of caring. the PC interaction between individuals, claiming community.

I haven't even accomplished this goal and i'm already thinking of my next step. another place where i might find contentment. Yes it's worth it. No it isn't solving the problems. Maybe if we could find a way around monetary concerns, regulations, and government micromanagement of living options. I want to live off the grid. I want to be free from rent, bills, lines, and automated answering services.

It's about what you do RIGHT NOW to change things. not your plans for later. So why is it so hard for me to get rid of these unnecessary possessions? Bad habits supposedly keeping me sane. the hopeless, cynical, and indignant response to the work that still needs to be done.

bah. I'm going to play guitar and enjoy my day off....

while i'm at it...

I made a wish list for the LLFS website the other day and it made me think of my old christmas/birthday lists... so here it goes.

"Mary's 25th birthday wish list" OR "what I want before the NY trip at the end of June"
*new digital camera
*new all season tires (maybe some sweet rims while you're at it!)
*Loft for my full size bed
*Bike basket and helmet
*a place to plant my dying seedlings
*new glasses
*Adobe acrobat/access/whatever the heck will make my life easier
*A new home for Lil Mama
*65 Roses sleeve
*Video Camera
*new haircut&dye
*an awesome part time AM job for the summer
*YMCA membership
*MOOONEY

Kickstarter Fundraiser - We Need YOU!

annoyance factor = 70%

some of my favorite times are drinking while my friends play maaad guitar, man. Maaad guitar. haha.

Anyway. Today was very up and down as usual. GI appointment this morning was a disappointing adventure. All tests normal and slight annoyance perceived from the dude to whom my insurance pays thousands of dollars for him to tell me that everything's fine and if avoiding dairy makes me feel better I should do that. The thing is... it's not that simple. it did help. But then I added it back in and no trouble.... SOOOO I assume that the problem is chronic and intermittent instead of an intolerance to a specific item. And can anything be given to me to ease the symptoms and make my life tolerable? of course not. So I left crying because I cant stand feeling uncomfortable, nauseous, and in pain everyday of my life. I don't want to live forever, but I'd love to be able to enjoy the days I have.

I meant to nap when I returned home. Instead I did some work for the school and my presentation tomorrow. It didnt help me feel better but it took my mind off of everything.

I've been at Doug's since after work. I spent the first hour I was hear writing out my democracy part and drank some wine. Fruit, white wine, and my favorite person in the world. a good night.

I'm struggling with the point of it all again. Dr. Rosen wants to hear from my therapist.... what f-in therapist? I don't need to talk about my problems. They are the type that will not get easier with discussion. Why the heck would I pay to see a therapist when i'm very capable of talking with my friends, family, or writing. I have coping skills. I know how to calm myself down, rationalize my crazy feelings, and identify cognitive distortions. unfortunately none of these things help me with the repetitive, uncontrollable, and injust problems in my life and the world. Talking about my pain, illness, hatred of the world will not do anything but make me more anxious and upset. Why does everyone insist on talking about my problems? I am sooo sick of responding to "how are you" with a fake I'm alright, or flat out lie-"I'm good how are you?". Because, seriously, do you want to know my entire life story? why I hate everything but the things I'm not supposed to do? or would you rather go about your day worrying about your own problems? exactly. I would like to go about my day as well.

But can I get some symptom supression? an "I don't give a fuck" pill? Nope. No hope for me.

Which makes me want to live less. Instead of working toward making a better world for the coming generations, a world where community, nature, and wonder thrive, I am spending my days wishing for the next; hoping it will be less annoying, painful, or in vain.

I want to be able to talk to my friends and family about the way I envision the world could be... instead of the way it is.
But most of me doubts that it's possible and have no confidence to convince others to join my cause.

where will I be this time next year? will I be as doubtful? As angry? As pessimistic?

I hope that in my work with the Little Lake Free School I can create a space where the things I love are bountiful, and hatred eliminated. my fingers are crossed and my taro cards foretell good news....

LLFS's Video!

Click the title and watch the video!

don't drink espresso at 8pm

I can't sleep.

I'm so conflicted lately. All I can think about is living a no impact lifestyle in the middle of nowhere.

And then there is the other half of me that is ecstatic about fulfilling my dreams and creating an alternative to this mess we call civilization... the part that gets me up everyday. No matter what happens I get pushed closer to my dreams and I'm constantly in awe of how lucky I am.

Then why do I hate everything so much?

There are the large things, like civilization, war, and inequality. Then there are the little day to day things. The smashing of the car into the parking structure post once again. The annoying little rodent I call a pet keeping me up at all hours chewing on the cage. The busted blood vessel I got from clapping at her to stop. The apartment hunting, the insurance hassles, and the drama.

I haven't been able to check my blood sugar in a week because my insurance (the one for my cystic fibrosis) wont cover them. Why won't they cover them? I have no idea when my diagnosis code printed on the prescription says "cystic fibrosis related diabetes". That's not type1 and that's not type2. It's a direct result of having cystic fibrosis. But they won't cover them. Why do I try?

My disease's effect on my body as analogous to our species effect on the earth. We're parasites that have overgrown our carrying capacity. What does a parasite do when it's host dies? It either finds another host or it dies too, and let's hope it reproduced! I know we will try to find another place to destroy but I seriously hope we don't.

I realize that without current technology I would not be alive. But that has no bearing on my opinion of either my effect on the earth or this disease's effect on my body. I shouldn't be alive right now and sometimes I can feel it. There is far more suffering in the world because of technology than there ever was without. We forget that death is a reality in this world and nothing is forever. We keep striving for more instead of recognizing how great we have it.

I'm really hoping that getting this stuff out of me will make it easier to fall asleep.
I shouldn't be awake right now I have so much to do tomorrow.
... goodnight.

free school meeting and oberon night with the roomie

we aren't meant to be freeeee it's all an illusion
we're the emperor and the fucking government is his new clothes

sorrow drips into your heart through a pin-hole: your love is gonna drown

I woke up today wishing I was free from material possessions. I have a bag of half of my clothes going to goodwill.

And the things that need to be done? postponed.

My days of throwing around cash are over. I reveled in the abundance of middle class lifestyle while I could. Now I'm facing loan payback, no more financial aid, loss of a roomate, and increasing uncertainty over my future. Graduating from U of M, and acquiring the majority of a masters degree hasn't improved my SES. It's only dug me deeper into the hole that is capitalism. Now in order to gain any value from my degree I must put aside all of my motivation, knowledge, and convictions in order to pay the bills. Would I be in this situation anyway? It seems to be I'm damned if i do, damned if i dont.

Even "alternatives" to the system are out of reach. Coop housing is too expensive, low-income housing is a wait-listed, bureaucratic mess.

Then there is the endless cycle of intense, emotional connection followed by distraction, apathy, and unresponsiveness. Will the ups come back? Will the downs overshadow them?

Life is extremely messy and i shouldnt be the only one on the clean up crew. Can i get some help?

New Ann Arbor school promises students environment of freedom, democracy - AnnArbor.com

New Ann Arbor school promises students environment of freedom, democracy - AnnArbor.com

Tarot, horoscope, dreams, and reality...

Leo

By Rick Levine

You might have doubts about your current course of action, but rest assured that there's no clear right or wrong path now. No matter how you proceed, it's going to be a circuitous route and the detours will teach you more of what you need to learn than just zipping along a superhighway. Don't be too quick to judge yourself in a negative light because you'll have a very different perspective in a month or so when you look back at this time.

---------------

Feeling thoughtful...

I find it fascinating that the things in my life that lessen pain, provide comfort, relief, and escape cannot be prescribed by my doctor.

I feel as if I'm at a turning point in my life. A place where decisions must be made, paths chosen, etc. Yet, there is nothing pressing, no fork in the road, so to speak.

And then there is this feeling I've had all my life where I'm always looking in from the outside. Viewing my life as just out of arms reach. Why? Why can't I overcome this?

My fortune: "Your current plans will succeed" (!)

I've been neglecting my inner dimension. I've been riding the wave for a while now and not really taking the time to consider where I'm going or why. I figure this is as good a time as any to get back into the habit of making conscious decisions, listening to myself, and prioritizing my plans.

The link in the title is the website for the democratic free school I have been working to start with a group of fabulous people from ann arbor. The Little Lake Free School is currently trying to secure a space to rent so that we can open our doors this fall 2010. If anyone has any leads on this they would be much appreciated!

This project is where I want to be spending my time and energy. My goals of starting an alternative school/community have only solidified over the last year and I'm determined to make this work. I say this knowing the paragraph that follows will show my hatred for the world overrides any hope I have of this school succeeding.

The problem is making my dreams coincide with what I need to do to survive in this world of extreme capitalist individualism. I don't like it one bit and my cynicism is growing at an astounding rate lately. Insurance, jobs, legal mumbojumbo, doctors, the industrial food system, GLCEs, as;ldkfj;lkdj... just shoot me now. Is what we're doing enough? I know it's better than nothing and it's what keeps me going everyday - the little hope I have that I can create a place, however small, where community isn't defined by your tax area but by genuine love of the people around you. But can we truly create this space if we are bound by a society around us that expects compliance to the american dream - single family home, suv (still?!), and success that's measured by the size of your wallet.

This is why I get so upset when I get the response "sometimes you have to play by the rules in order to get to a place where you can break them". This is the mindset that keeps those rules there... that makes sure only a few can get to the place where those rules dont apply to them, while the rest of us must continue to struggle. I want to change it all. At least I'm part of the solution and not part of the problem. There's something to be said for that.

Fall 2009: A few highlights