And the things that need to be done? postponed.
My days of throwing around cash are over. I reveled in the abundance of middle class lifestyle while I could. Now I'm facing loan payback, no more financial aid, loss of a roomate, and increasing uncertainty over my future. Graduating from U of M, and acquiring the majority of a masters degree hasn't improved my SES. It's only dug me deeper into the hole that is capitalism. Now in order to gain any value from my degree I must put aside all of my motivation, knowledge, and convictions in order to pay the bills. Would I be in this situation anyway? It seems to be I'm damned if i do, damned if i dont.
Even "alternatives" to the system are out of reach. Coop housing is too expensive, low-income housing is a wait-listed, bureaucratic mess.
Then there is the endless cycle of intense, emotional connection followed by distraction, apathy, and unresponsiveness. Will the ups come back? Will the downs overshadow them?
Life is extremely messy and i shouldnt be the only one on the clean up crew. Can i get some help?
1 comment:
Reading this entry brought me to tears, which i had been on the brink of for the last 30 minutes anyway so it's not too surprising. I think I am still attached to the "dream" i constantly being fed. I don't want to be. I can articulate every reason why I shouldn't let it bother me that i will never own a house or have a child. But not having a working car, never being more than a half step ahead... it's getting old. I don't have the energy to keep struggling through. I want it to be as easy as I was told it would be. I'm supposed to be married with a white pickett fence by now not struggling to get ahold of my caseworker to get my food stamps reinstated. will I ever be ok with this? am I destined to be angry the rest of my life?
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