fuckin a

"You may appear moodier than usual now that the Moon is in Leo, but don't let occasional waves of negativity prevent you from seeing the potential in your life. On one hand, you might decide that your extra effort is not worth the meager return -- emotionally or fiscally. On the other hand, you might not be able to see what's on the other side of the wall that's temporarily preventing your forward motion. Patience and tenacity should pay off in a few days."
Thursday, November 29, 2007

i guess thats alright. it's a small piece of hope. i'm fucking tired, man.

hope vs. despair

and here i sit cursing the world and still finding inspiration in the smallest parts of my life. the snow that's falling outside - it's coming down so fast. so intense. i just want to stop my brain and run around like a fool in the flurries.

i am inspired. that's the worst part about this feeling. I WANT to change the world and make a small place where everyone matters. i want to care about stereotypes and our obsession with work and self-destructive behaviors. I want to figure it all out. but no one else cares about these things. i wont get the chance to do the stuff in life i've always dreamed of.

i can see it so clearly - the way i want things to be. and it doesnt include this feeling. this fire that's been built out of nothing. there was nothin inside of me to burn so why do i feel this way? because it's all pointless. the hope and inspiration i feel is just something to get me through the have-to's and should-have's that rule my life.

is this all there is? it can't be all there is if i feel so conflicted. i feel like the life i wish to live and the life that is are separated by such a large distance that they will never be one.

....
and then there are the times when everything seems so perfect. only when i'm laying next to andrew or holding a baby. and the world outside doesn't matter. the mountains of shit hanging over my head don't matter. the pain and the hopelessness don't matter. i'm finally free. the only time i feel whole is in the presence of someone that needs me.

so when i think about marriage and babies - the things i have been denied because of genetics- i think about the peace that i find when i'm helping others. and i wonder why it is that the few things that make me happy are the things i'm not allowed to have. it just doesn't make sense to me.

the only thing i can enjoy without shame or regret is loving andrew. having babies would be great but as everyone keeps pointing out it's better to not dwell on the things that didn't work out. i can only hope that my substitute mothering at the daycare will fulfill my need.

I can't deal. how many times have i said this in my lifetime?

even music doesn't really lift my spirits anymore. fuck fucking prozac and it's false promises of sanity.

fuck stupid fake ass bitches that would rather talk to andrew. yeah i know andrew is the nice one. i know he's the only rational part of my life. does that mean i'm worth absolutely nothing?

how do i not be a huge bitch to everyone when all i want to do is walk around with earplugs in. hey that isnt a bad idea i should get some. maybe it would help me get over this bullshit in my brain if i can stop adding to it.

maybe.

most likely it will continue this way until i eventually give in. i would like to....

ahhhhh lucero!!!
it could be worse. it has been worse. I have actually deserved the misery in my life on several occassions. i dont feel this is one of them. i was thinking about jobs and school and my future and i'm trying hard to not just give it all up. what am i working towards? why do i want to get a masters degree? so i can waste even more of my time planning for something that if it is possible isnt for long. i need a shrink.

she makes me want to strangle something. this is not a natural feeling for me. I dont normally feel like harming another individual.... but if someone mentions her name i feel nothing but rage. i just want her to die. anyway whatsoever.

it's time for more wine. i cant keep thinking or i'll scream....... HELP ME to get away from myself.

so irresponsible

so i woke up at 4:40 pm. missed my fucking advising appointment. I'm not going to class even though I really should and I have a presentation tomorrow. I don't care I just can't leave the house. I don't feel that great and I don't want to drive.

Speaking of driving I rear ended someone last night on the way home and i smashed in my front end a little bit. It's annoying but they didn't stop or even yell at me so I don't know i guess i'm lucky.

Laurie emailed me about her business stuff that I haven't been doing. I've been thinking about doing it. But actually going in and dragging the stuff along hasn't happened yet. I'm procrastinating. so my goal for next week is to go to at least 3 places and try to sell her stuff. It can't be that bad.

My mom asked me to do a couple of things that I haven't done yet. I should do it now I'm on my computer. i'm just not sure what to say exactly.

I think i'm going to put in a movie after I write this email. then i'm going to make dinner and go to sleep again. I'm tired.

some lady is calling "here kitty kitty kitty kitty!" outside my window right now.... hmm I wonder if it's the crazy recycle lady from next door or some new crazy person in my life.

man, i can't wait until andrew gets home from work.

i love andrew.

i went out with trek tonight and he told me that he has been married for 11years and just found out. it was fun i had kristi as my waitress again and i think trek was hitting on her. it was so funny.

I keep remembering stanley and all the fun times we had there. we had a few bad times and alexa wasn't that fun but i can see why he picks that as his favorite place we have lived together. We became very close in that house.

please not again.....

PLEASE.

.....

I want to write some of my feelings out but there aren't any words for them. I'm not really upset about anything in particular. just everything in general.

I feel crappy i'm bad at taking care of myself. I feel like i never really have any fun. I don't want to be bothered most of the time. I just want to sleep but I cant ever get restful sleep. it's frustrating.

I dont know what to do. i don't know what to say.

i just want to stop and thank you baby

So I had a good time at Amanda's wedding. We only went to the reception but it was beautiful and I cried like a baby during the cake cutting and the dancing but I'm sure the beer and wine I had didn't help at all. I was grateful for the distraction for a while even if it made me sensitive to all of the things I'll be missing out on. Andrew was a great help he kept me smiling and thinking about the good time we were having and not about the future. I have to learn to not be so sensitive to differences, especially my own.

So maybe I wont have a huge expensive wedding and have children and a house of my own. Does that mean I can't be happy with what I do have? It shouldn't. But then there is the fact that these things have been what I'm supposed to be searching for since very early on. My attachment to motherhood and pregnancy can't just be something I've formulated to make myself miserable. It can't be my fault these things are constantly on my mind.

So I really should not be surprised when I get upset seeing others hoping and planning for things I have to pretend are not even options for me. How do I not get upset about these things? about life and money and love and family and social responsibility. What is my purpose, as a woman, if it is not to have children? Please tell me this. What is my worth if I can't even have the one thing in the whole world that is meant for me? Why is it impossible for me to let go of my hopes of a normal life. A husband and children. It seemed to be the hope for this domestication that kept me going all my life.

But to be faced with the reality of it and have to deny everything I have ever dreamed of for the sake of a better life....

it's heartbreaking and it's the reason I cry at weddings and rough days at work when holding babies seems my only relief from the outside world.

Call me dramatic or what you wish but i'm starting to figure out why i'm so angry all of the time. and do you know what i'm finding out? it's not all my fault. it's not any single person's fault that things are they way they are. and yet I'm stuck with it and blameless. would i feel better if there was somewhere to place all of my anger and sadness and frustration?

I can't continue to speculate about a life i'll never have. it's killing me. Was this my reason for my denial of everything love and security related? was my lack of concern for everyone else in my life an underlying rebellion about my circumstances? what about now? how do i integrate love and commitment without marriage and family and forever?
Can I live in the moment without destroying my future?

"the things i rely on lose their meaning"

I feel that I have changed so much in the last year... my thoughts and purpose and values. My feelings remain the same. I am constantly struggling with life as a never-ending struggle to find contentment. I had a chat with Zoe last night about it and it really helped to see that someone else has these problems as well. She was telling me of the time she had to explain to her son Tomer that life is a never ending struggle and the good parts are few and far between but still worth trying for. I wanted to cry just as she said he did that day. balled up in the fetal position sobbing your eyes out on the livingroom couch. Because it all seemed like too much to deal with. the circular nature of misery is not something I want to endure. Somehow escaping this thought is the key to happiness... the idea that if you stop pursuing happiness it will come to you. I highly doubt this is the way the world actually works. if so stoners and heroin addicts would be exemplary members of society and big office execs would count for nothing.

the key is having limited expectations. enough to keep you motivated but too few to be discouraged. I have too many expectations of this life. I am certain there has to be more than what I am getting and maybe it's keeping me from getting it all. who fucking knows...

can you see how I think myself into a hole on any number of topics concerning my life and how i would rather just smoke and let it be as it will be? To try and not control it. to try to relax. i only wish it worked as well as it sounds.
I dont end up any better off after venting than I was at the beginning of this mess. Still a bit sentimental and regretful. A bit. I know far too well that money and status are placed higher than anything I could want for my life and I did the right thing. But it doesnt stop me from feeling loss of something sacred that i should be able to experience but wont. it's tearing me apart having to deal with the reality that I will not have the life i dream of.

is anyone else dealing with this? can i please talk to someone that gets it?

first entry

I think i'm going to start using this one instead of Livejoural. Few of my friends ever write in livejournal and I like Google to the extreme.

I can't decide what the hell to do with my life. I reeeeeaaaaally want to just sit around and have someone take care of me for the rest of my life. but then I think about all of the great shit i would miss out on if I just sat around moping all day long. Like teaching and babies. This summer I have learned a ton about myself and what it is I like and love and have been upset about for so long. I've figured out i'm not depressed i'm just smart. I know what the hell the world is about and I know there is no way I can change it. and my station in life constantly reminds me of this fact. I'm tired of the bullshit and I have been seriously trying to simplify.

simplify. it seems like the ideal concept. It's not as easy as i wish.