i just want to stop and thank you baby

So I had a good time at Amanda's wedding. We only went to the reception but it was beautiful and I cried like a baby during the cake cutting and the dancing but I'm sure the beer and wine I had didn't help at all. I was grateful for the distraction for a while even if it made me sensitive to all of the things I'll be missing out on. Andrew was a great help he kept me smiling and thinking about the good time we were having and not about the future. I have to learn to not be so sensitive to differences, especially my own.

So maybe I wont have a huge expensive wedding and have children and a house of my own. Does that mean I can't be happy with what I do have? It shouldn't. But then there is the fact that these things have been what I'm supposed to be searching for since very early on. My attachment to motherhood and pregnancy can't just be something I've formulated to make myself miserable. It can't be my fault these things are constantly on my mind.

So I really should not be surprised when I get upset seeing others hoping and planning for things I have to pretend are not even options for me. How do I not get upset about these things? about life and money and love and family and social responsibility. What is my purpose, as a woman, if it is not to have children? Please tell me this. What is my worth if I can't even have the one thing in the whole world that is meant for me? Why is it impossible for me to let go of my hopes of a normal life. A husband and children. It seemed to be the hope for this domestication that kept me going all my life.

But to be faced with the reality of it and have to deny everything I have ever dreamed of for the sake of a better life....

it's heartbreaking and it's the reason I cry at weddings and rough days at work when holding babies seems my only relief from the outside world.

Call me dramatic or what you wish but i'm starting to figure out why i'm so angry all of the time. and do you know what i'm finding out? it's not all my fault. it's not any single person's fault that things are they way they are. and yet I'm stuck with it and blameless. would i feel better if there was somewhere to place all of my anger and sadness and frustration?

I can't continue to speculate about a life i'll never have. it's killing me. Was this my reason for my denial of everything love and security related? was my lack of concern for everyone else in my life an underlying rebellion about my circumstances? what about now? how do i integrate love and commitment without marriage and family and forever?
Can I live in the moment without destroying my future?

"the things i rely on lose their meaning"

I feel that I have changed so much in the last year... my thoughts and purpose and values. My feelings remain the same. I am constantly struggling with life as a never-ending struggle to find contentment. I had a chat with Zoe last night about it and it really helped to see that someone else has these problems as well. She was telling me of the time she had to explain to her son Tomer that life is a never ending struggle and the good parts are few and far between but still worth trying for. I wanted to cry just as she said he did that day. balled up in the fetal position sobbing your eyes out on the livingroom couch. Because it all seemed like too much to deal with. the circular nature of misery is not something I want to endure. Somehow escaping this thought is the key to happiness... the idea that if you stop pursuing happiness it will come to you. I highly doubt this is the way the world actually works. if so stoners and heroin addicts would be exemplary members of society and big office execs would count for nothing.

the key is having limited expectations. enough to keep you motivated but too few to be discouraged. I have too many expectations of this life. I am certain there has to be more than what I am getting and maybe it's keeping me from getting it all. who fucking knows...

can you see how I think myself into a hole on any number of topics concerning my life and how i would rather just smoke and let it be as it will be? To try and not control it. to try to relax. i only wish it worked as well as it sounds.
I dont end up any better off after venting than I was at the beginning of this mess. Still a bit sentimental and regretful. A bit. I know far too well that money and status are placed higher than anything I could want for my life and I did the right thing. But it doesnt stop me from feeling loss of something sacred that i should be able to experience but wont. it's tearing me apart having to deal with the reality that I will not have the life i dream of.

is anyone else dealing with this? can i please talk to someone that gets it?