hope vs. despair

and here i sit cursing the world and still finding inspiration in the smallest parts of my life. the snow that's falling outside - it's coming down so fast. so intense. i just want to stop my brain and run around like a fool in the flurries.

i am inspired. that's the worst part about this feeling. I WANT to change the world and make a small place where everyone matters. i want to care about stereotypes and our obsession with work and self-destructive behaviors. I want to figure it all out. but no one else cares about these things. i wont get the chance to do the stuff in life i've always dreamed of.

i can see it so clearly - the way i want things to be. and it doesnt include this feeling. this fire that's been built out of nothing. there was nothin inside of me to burn so why do i feel this way? because it's all pointless. the hope and inspiration i feel is just something to get me through the have-to's and should-have's that rule my life.

is this all there is? it can't be all there is if i feel so conflicted. i feel like the life i wish to live and the life that is are separated by such a large distance that they will never be one.

....
and then there are the times when everything seems so perfect. only when i'm laying next to andrew or holding a baby. and the world outside doesn't matter. the mountains of shit hanging over my head don't matter. the pain and the hopelessness don't matter. i'm finally free. the only time i feel whole is in the presence of someone that needs me.

so when i think about marriage and babies - the things i have been denied because of genetics- i think about the peace that i find when i'm helping others. and i wonder why it is that the few things that make me happy are the things i'm not allowed to have. it just doesn't make sense to me.

the only thing i can enjoy without shame or regret is loving andrew. having babies would be great but as everyone keeps pointing out it's better to not dwell on the things that didn't work out. i can only hope that my substitute mothering at the daycare will fulfill my need.