why do i even bother?

Mushaboom

( written by Feist )

Helping the kids out of their coats 
But wait the babies haven't been born 
Unpacking the bags and setting up 
And planting lilacs and buttercups 

But in the meantime I've got it hard 
Second floor living without a yard 
It may be years until the day 
My dreams will match up with my pay 

Old dirt road
Knee deep snow 
Watching the fire as we grow old 

I got a man to stick it out 
And make a home from a rented house 
And we'll collect the moments one by one 
I guess that's how the future's done 

How many acres how much light 
Tucked in the woods and out of sight 
Talk to the neighbours and tip my cap 
On a little road barely on the map 

Old dirt road
Knee deep snow 
Watching the fire as we grow old 
Old dirt road
Rambling rose 
Watching the fire as we grow well I'm sold 

dumb bad luck?

today had me from the very beginning. I guess I was in a fog before i woke up.  I just couldn't keep it together and all I could think as i was sitting staring at the no parking sign my car died in front of was "I get the best of the worst".  Because while my car dying on the way to class is pretty ridiculous  the fact that I was lucky enough to make it on to a side road, but not quite far enough to be legal and walk to class, just makes me want to scream. and while I has andrew available to come rescue me he was sick and running a fever and had to come bail my ass for the gazillionth time that even I'm wondering why the fuck he puts up with it.  Not to mention being on time to meet jesse's bus but not having to key to get into her house, ugh (and again andrew rescues me). 

I shouldn't really complain... somehow, in some ass backward way it always works out. Every fucking mess I get myself into somehow ends up for the best. If I could remember this when it's all happening it probably wouldn't freak me out so much.  But I just can't help feeling like my best intentions are being strategically shot down by my arch nemesis. dumb fucking bad luck is what i have. Sara said if it wasn't for bad luck i wouldn't have any at all.... but the bad luck I have in the short term really isn't too effective in stopping me from doing what i need to do. I guess I should just suck it up and learn to relax. 

Tomorrow is another day. Thank god they go by fast nowadays. Maybe I'll get lucky and tomorrow will be boring. 

cheeers!

you cant handle my infinite nature can you?

I made University Honors! I'm so excited this has been something I dreamed of for a while now. To tell you the truth I called to make sure it wasn't a mistake before I got too excited. It's real. It was just a great thing to have happen. 

Now I'm on my way to marshall and Kzoo for our mini brewery tour. First Dark Horse then the hotel then Bell's.  It should be a great night. I'm all dressed and ready to go. I cut my hair and put on makeup - that's how excited I am. 

Finally things are getting good again. Now if i just had a car.....

trip/random thoughts

The rest of our trip was pretty great. Well... after I got done crying at Louis Benton because I was convinced the guy that poured our water was making fun of me. We went to bed early after that and woke up sunday to drive to east lansing. Andrew wanted to get part of the drive done but we were not quite ready to go home. So we picked a holiday inn and settled in for another night. We ordered pizza then went swimming (finally!) and we had the whole pool to ourselves. I had a great time and wore myself out in the short time we were there.

We made the 4:20 showing of be kind rewind at the IMAX. It was cool but I don't think it was any better than a regular movie theater. We went back to our hotel with a 6pack of michigan IPAs and ordered room service for dinner. It was not as good as the Hilton's and was a bit overpriced. We just hung out and watched tv and relaxed. It was a great time. the vacation i have been waiting for.

then it's back to reality. I got a call from Zoe and she wants me to watch the kids over the summer and she is willing to give me a raise. I really want to do it but i'm scared of ann getting mad that she has to schedule around something else. I guess it's enough notice- she doesn't want me to start until june.

.....

So i have come to the conclusion that i have no self-esteem. And I don't really know why. I don't feel like such a bad person most of the time. But I am excruciatingly sensitive. I get upset about everything. I don't like to be around people. Andrew's joking around really hurts my feelings and just a strange look from someone will make me burst into tears. It's not getting better.

Mom wants me to paint andy a picture for fixing my car but i haven't had any inspiration in years. I haven't done anything arty since my 2005 book. I don't feel creative.

I had a dream the other night that all my teeth were falling out. in chunks and some were crumbling and some were dangling there until i finally spit them out. It was like some weird game show. I was walking through my day at a really fast pace constantly feeling shards of teeth in my mouth that i had to spit out and explain to everyone i was seeing. I remember I looked in a mirror at one point and saw one hanging on for dear life and i was scared to pull it because i didn't want it to hurt. It finally fell out like the rest. The strangest part of all of this was that no one else could tell that i was losing my teeth until they saw me spit out pieces and even then all my teeth were still partially there and the part that was falling out was conveniently hidden.

I keep dreaming of dads house. it's exactly the same each time. the same colors, lightness, eerie feeling. different things happening each time. Am I homesick?

I should get to doing my homework. I think i'll have a cup of tea and get started.

Ok so the last few days have been the best ever. and today tops it all. We are at the Hilton in Grand Rapids. We went to go the beerfest in grand rapids and we had to take a cab from our hotel to the event. Not a big deal except when we got there the guy at the gate was like... We're sold out of tickets- sorry. So he tells us to go up to will call and ask them because there might be a few extra. So we walk up to will call and ask and they say no of course. then some random girl tells us the guy in the blue hat has the tickets. And HE DOES. So we get our tickets and go in and get some beer right away. there are tons of breweries and we see matt and andrew sees some other guy from dunning that he knew and we get some good pictures.

It was a ton of fun until we go to get some food and warm up. We get separated and the food line (the ONLY food line) is like an hour long. so I try to find warmth and am unsuccessful then we use our last tokens and get a cab back to the hotel only to find that the hotel restaurant is under renovation. HAha. So we go back to the room. order crab stuffed mushrooms and cocktail shrimp and put in reservations to louis benton steakhouse. I'm so excited i could burst. I've had such a good weekend and we are about to go have some good food then go swimming in the hotel pool.

I really needed to get away from everything and this has been better than expected. Even the little disappointments didn't seem so bad. It is great to have MY andrew back. He's such a great person I just can't tell you. I'm so ready for some food. it's been a long cold day. :)

this was a great night. i worked and it is getting to actually be fun. We made playdough ( it didn't go well) and sugar cookies that we decorated(that did go well) and then i came home and had some beer and andrew ordered jimmy johns and we have just been enjoying the night. then andrew says randomly, " i love you!" and i say "aw, I love you too" and it made me want to write it down to remember.


sheesh i feel so much better after a week and a half back on meds. i'm a dummy for not doing it sooner. my life has been pretty great for a while i just didn't realize it because i fixate on the bad shit.

tomorrow is an all class day which makes me happy then friday i spend all day with jesse. I am going to her school during the day then taking her and her sister home from pioneer and watching jesse while her mom and sam are at the dentist. it will be a really great day. I am so excited.

i need to finish my sandwich.

whoa it's january 08

I made it through my first week of classes. Barely. I went monday to UHS to get back on prozac so I didnt sleep very well monday or tuesday night and wednesday I'm so exhausted that I decide to go home and take a nap before work. Bad idea of course. I wake up at 5 to 3 and i was supposed to be there at 2:30. I call ann and tell her i'll be there as soon as i can and as i hang up the phone i start crying my eyes out. I just cried the whole drive there. Then I try to tell her what happened and I start sobbing uncontrollably in front of her and jesse (the girl i work with) and can't stop until i force myself not to talk about or think about it anymore. I felt like a complete idiot and I'm sure it didn't help my cause any. I make it through the rest of the day and start getting a major headache as I'm helping jesse with her bath. It gets so bad on the way home that I think i might have to stop and close my eyes for a while but i make it home. I feel so terrible my whole head feels like it is going to explode. Luckily andrew reminds me of some vicadin in my purse and I take it and after an hour I feel a lot better. I slept good that night.

Thursday was just class and it was fun. friday i go into work in the babyroom at the daycare. Not a big deal normally i love to be in the baby room. no one told me there was a tour of prospective parents coming in. Ann the owner came in with them and started in on me the second she walked in the room. The first and most upsetting thing she did was tell me i was bouncing this girl too hard in the bouncer and that i was going to give her shaken baby syndrome (in front of these parents!) I was shocked I said sorry and stopped doing it but it made me look like an idiot. then she was like "you know you have to bleach these toys once a kid has had them in his mouth especially now when everyone is sick there used to be a bucket for dirty toys around here somewhere do you know where it is?" So i told her that i knew to take the toys and that we just put them in the same bucket with the dirty dishes - they go to the same place. She had to ask if i knew where the dirty dishes bucket was! it was ridiculous. Then she got mad because i put the wrong sheets on the bed because they were the only one's in the sheet bin. I didn't know that there were other ones. Come to find out after she leaves my room that someone else had put them in the blanket bin - who knew?! So i told the director that I didn't want to be scheduled anymore that i needed some time off. she said she understood and i was only working two half days there anyway. I'm kinda glad it will give me some extra time for homework and relaxing and maybe even doing some stuff for laurie that i've been meaning to do for almost a year now.

now i have to go do homework for this coming week so i can understand what's going on in my classes.

byebye2007

The last time i had a year this eventful i wrote it all out into book form. it was my year-end therapy. I don't think i can describe the amount of torture this year has been into words and pictures. it's more feeling - fear and disappointment pushing against comfort and hope. it's a strange mix of feeling completely complacent and completely helpless.

Should i recap? why not. This is what new years is for isn't it? Here'goes...

started january with Iv antibiotics and plans for vietnam. Bittersweet nights being held close by andrew only to force myself onto a plane in early february hoping a change of scenery would brighten my mood and give my life a bit of purpose. I was scared of falling for him as hard as i did. I was scared that if i didn't leave he would. naive misguided thinking.

Vietnam was a disaster and a half. I think i'm doing ok for the first 2 days then i start to freak out. I can't eat or sleep or stop crying. all i can think about is how stupid i am for leaving my friends and family on some self righteous ego trip half way across the world. I'm scared of getting sick and more scared of going insane. So I demand to go home. After they force me to see a psychiatrist in order to buy my plane ticket i feel so relieved at the prospect of going home that i almost cried. not that i hadn't been crying the whole time anyway. I'm still upset about this whole fiasco. i'm a dumb-ass and i should know my limits by now. I should be medicated.

So i go home. My dad and uncle pick me up from the airport and i get home and smoke a fat joint and start gaining back some of the weight i lost on my short trip. I didn't get to see andrew right away. I was really excited to be home but i needed to see him. i needed to be in his arms. So then there was knights inn. Probably the absolute best 24 hours of my year. all we did was eat, smoke, have sex, and get lost in a strange town. I thought i was going to die from happiness.

I spend the next couple of weeks trying to find jobs either at home or in ann arbor. andrew convinces me to move up there with him and i do very willingly. I was grateful for the distraction and the help. especially the emotional support. I can't say it enough - but if it were not for andrew i probably wouldn't be here right now. He got me out of bed in time for work when i couldn't stop crying. He made me tea and poptarts while i sobbed in the bedroom. He pushed me out to my car on time day after day. He took me to lunch during long days at the daycare. he reassured me that i wasn't going crazy and that i was going to make it thought the day. Crying wont kill you. He helped me not quit my job. he helped me not ruin my life. he helped me recover from whatever it was that i was recovering from...

he helped me to learn to take care of myself. He also stood up for me. against anyone and everyone. Against the one person i thought would always be on my side. I don't know what happened exactly but during this mess i was calling my life i got some relief from andrew and amanda. amanda had helped me through 2005 which was almost as strange. I thought she would be there for me again but there was a lot of leftover hurt from the past that never got settled. It still hurts i'd rather not rehash all of the details but it's fair to say that it all ended in one stupid whore induced explosion. And andrew stuck by me. he didn't make excuses for me or overlook my mistakes. he knew how much i was struggling already and he knew that this was just one more thing to add to my list of tearful freak-outs called 2007.

More iv antibiotics as we are moving from alexas to the sublet on mckinley. I'm feeling tired and broken. i don't understand my life or what the fuck it is that i'm supposed to be doing. Then there is the dream. I walk into alexa's bathroom and look at myself in the mirror, brush my hair back, and say "i'm pregnant". I can't be positive but i think it was the day after conception. I think.... what a weird dream! i hope that never happens!

I spend the next week and half moving, taking meds, throwing up, and being tired and sore. Given all the weird shit i'm putting into my body i'm concerned about being sick. What clues me in is the fact that by boobs are an exploding c cup and very sore. I go to the store and pick up a pregnancy test that turns positive the second my pee hits the stick. This is when i cry so hard i want to vomit. I know i have to have an abortion but i can't shake the feeling that this might be the only time i ever get pregnant. I make a doctors appointment and make the decision and have the abortion june 14th via ru-486. It was private, natural, and not as bad as expected. I made the best decision possible but it is still in the back of my mind that i might not ever get to be excited about getting pregnant.

I spend the rest of my summber trying to build actual relationships- andrew, debbie, rula, shayna, lauren. I really try to get to know people. I try to figure out what my purpose is. Where i belong. No longer content to sit in my room I want company and conversation. I'm longing for someone that can understand me and where i'm coming from and I do find these people. I find kind and generous women that respect me for who i am not what they can get from me. I feel myself shaking some of the blues that had a hold on me but I still can't make it though the day.

moving in to our depot town apartment was a blessing. so was buying a volcano. I have been thoroughly enjoying the 'seconds' in our relationship. I tried getting on an antidepressant it seemed to be working but i lost track of my appointments and ran out of my script. I havent been back since. Debbie got me a job babysitting for a boy with diabetes which made me a decent amount of money and helped me to take care of myself (if only for one night a week).

on december first I got my IUD put in after months of waiting for an appointment that fits my schedule. it's a relief to know that i wont have to deal with another abortion. It makes me happy to know if i am ever able to have kids all i have to do is get it taken out.

The stress of a crazy landlord, school, work and fighting illness... still trying to be a normal. Find out I wont be graduating on time -again. It hurt for a few days until i realized that what the fuck does it matter? I got to reduce my class load and i got a new job so i'm not in a rush.

a lot of little shit drives me crazy now. I'm jealous and anxious. I'm worried that my dependence will turn into a burden for andrew and he'll finally look for a way out. I can't stand to be alone or with anyone but andrew but i'm trying to work on that. The year has ended on a much higher note than it started on.

For example on my way home for christmas debbie called and told me that everyone loves me. I had mentioned the night before when we all went out for a beer that it drove me crazy that andrew always had friends over and everyone seemed to just love him. I said "everyone loves andrew! Why doesn't anyone love me?!" So she called to reassure me that everyone does love me and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It was such a simple thing that made me feel so good. It was exactly what i needed at that moment.

"sometimes you get what you need"

So with a bit of luck 2008 will not be such a rollercoaster ride.

EVERY FUCKING NIGHT. I'm going to plymouth tomorrow.

i take all this damn medication and not one makes me feel GOOD. just worse, or semi worse. I'm tired of people that dont worry about anything or can make conversation or have a good time.

i'm tired of sitting in this room listening to andrew and his friends having a good time. i'm sick of it. i hate myself

I dont even know what this feeling is. is it jealousy? it feels more like rage. I couldn't tell you why.

I feel invisible. worthless. frustrated. hopeless. everynight everyfuckingnight.

there isnt any point to even writing this. it doesnt help. i should just stop complaining, suck it up and move on.