byebye2007

The last time i had a year this eventful i wrote it all out into book form. it was my year-end therapy. I don't think i can describe the amount of torture this year has been into words and pictures. it's more feeling - fear and disappointment pushing against comfort and hope. it's a strange mix of feeling completely complacent and completely helpless.

Should i recap? why not. This is what new years is for isn't it? Here'goes...

started january with Iv antibiotics and plans for vietnam. Bittersweet nights being held close by andrew only to force myself onto a plane in early february hoping a change of scenery would brighten my mood and give my life a bit of purpose. I was scared of falling for him as hard as i did. I was scared that if i didn't leave he would. naive misguided thinking.

Vietnam was a disaster and a half. I think i'm doing ok for the first 2 days then i start to freak out. I can't eat or sleep or stop crying. all i can think about is how stupid i am for leaving my friends and family on some self righteous ego trip half way across the world. I'm scared of getting sick and more scared of going insane. So I demand to go home. After they force me to see a psychiatrist in order to buy my plane ticket i feel so relieved at the prospect of going home that i almost cried. not that i hadn't been crying the whole time anyway. I'm still upset about this whole fiasco. i'm a dumb-ass and i should know my limits by now. I should be medicated.

So i go home. My dad and uncle pick me up from the airport and i get home and smoke a fat joint and start gaining back some of the weight i lost on my short trip. I didn't get to see andrew right away. I was really excited to be home but i needed to see him. i needed to be in his arms. So then there was knights inn. Probably the absolute best 24 hours of my year. all we did was eat, smoke, have sex, and get lost in a strange town. I thought i was going to die from happiness.

I spend the next couple of weeks trying to find jobs either at home or in ann arbor. andrew convinces me to move up there with him and i do very willingly. I was grateful for the distraction and the help. especially the emotional support. I can't say it enough - but if it were not for andrew i probably wouldn't be here right now. He got me out of bed in time for work when i couldn't stop crying. He made me tea and poptarts while i sobbed in the bedroom. He pushed me out to my car on time day after day. He took me to lunch during long days at the daycare. he reassured me that i wasn't going crazy and that i was going to make it thought the day. Crying wont kill you. He helped me not quit my job. he helped me not ruin my life. he helped me recover from whatever it was that i was recovering from...

he helped me to learn to take care of myself. He also stood up for me. against anyone and everyone. Against the one person i thought would always be on my side. I don't know what happened exactly but during this mess i was calling my life i got some relief from andrew and amanda. amanda had helped me through 2005 which was almost as strange. I thought she would be there for me again but there was a lot of leftover hurt from the past that never got settled. It still hurts i'd rather not rehash all of the details but it's fair to say that it all ended in one stupid whore induced explosion. And andrew stuck by me. he didn't make excuses for me or overlook my mistakes. he knew how much i was struggling already and he knew that this was just one more thing to add to my list of tearful freak-outs called 2007.

More iv antibiotics as we are moving from alexas to the sublet on mckinley. I'm feeling tired and broken. i don't understand my life or what the fuck it is that i'm supposed to be doing. Then there is the dream. I walk into alexa's bathroom and look at myself in the mirror, brush my hair back, and say "i'm pregnant". I can't be positive but i think it was the day after conception. I think.... what a weird dream! i hope that never happens!

I spend the next week and half moving, taking meds, throwing up, and being tired and sore. Given all the weird shit i'm putting into my body i'm concerned about being sick. What clues me in is the fact that by boobs are an exploding c cup and very sore. I go to the store and pick up a pregnancy test that turns positive the second my pee hits the stick. This is when i cry so hard i want to vomit. I know i have to have an abortion but i can't shake the feeling that this might be the only time i ever get pregnant. I make a doctors appointment and make the decision and have the abortion june 14th via ru-486. It was private, natural, and not as bad as expected. I made the best decision possible but it is still in the back of my mind that i might not ever get to be excited about getting pregnant.

I spend the rest of my summber trying to build actual relationships- andrew, debbie, rula, shayna, lauren. I really try to get to know people. I try to figure out what my purpose is. Where i belong. No longer content to sit in my room I want company and conversation. I'm longing for someone that can understand me and where i'm coming from and I do find these people. I find kind and generous women that respect me for who i am not what they can get from me. I feel myself shaking some of the blues that had a hold on me but I still can't make it though the day.

moving in to our depot town apartment was a blessing. so was buying a volcano. I have been thoroughly enjoying the 'seconds' in our relationship. I tried getting on an antidepressant it seemed to be working but i lost track of my appointments and ran out of my script. I havent been back since. Debbie got me a job babysitting for a boy with diabetes which made me a decent amount of money and helped me to take care of myself (if only for one night a week).

on december first I got my IUD put in after months of waiting for an appointment that fits my schedule. it's a relief to know that i wont have to deal with another abortion. It makes me happy to know if i am ever able to have kids all i have to do is get it taken out.

The stress of a crazy landlord, school, work and fighting illness... still trying to be a normal. Find out I wont be graduating on time -again. It hurt for a few days until i realized that what the fuck does it matter? I got to reduce my class load and i got a new job so i'm not in a rush.

a lot of little shit drives me crazy now. I'm jealous and anxious. I'm worried that my dependence will turn into a burden for andrew and he'll finally look for a way out. I can't stand to be alone or with anyone but andrew but i'm trying to work on that. The year has ended on a much higher note than it started on.

For example on my way home for christmas debbie called and told me that everyone loves me. I had mentioned the night before when we all went out for a beer that it drove me crazy that andrew always had friends over and everyone seemed to just love him. I said "everyone loves andrew! Why doesn't anyone love me?!" So she called to reassure me that everyone does love me and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It was such a simple thing that made me feel so good. It was exactly what i needed at that moment.

"sometimes you get what you need"

So with a bit of luck 2008 will not be such a rollercoaster ride.