trip/random thoughts

The rest of our trip was pretty great. Well... after I got done crying at Louis Benton because I was convinced the guy that poured our water was making fun of me. We went to bed early after that and woke up sunday to drive to east lansing. Andrew wanted to get part of the drive done but we were not quite ready to go home. So we picked a holiday inn and settled in for another night. We ordered pizza then went swimming (finally!) and we had the whole pool to ourselves. I had a great time and wore myself out in the short time we were there.

We made the 4:20 showing of be kind rewind at the IMAX. It was cool but I don't think it was any better than a regular movie theater. We went back to our hotel with a 6pack of michigan IPAs and ordered room service for dinner. It was not as good as the Hilton's and was a bit overpriced. We just hung out and watched tv and relaxed. It was a great time. the vacation i have been waiting for.

then it's back to reality. I got a call from Zoe and she wants me to watch the kids over the summer and she is willing to give me a raise. I really want to do it but i'm scared of ann getting mad that she has to schedule around something else. I guess it's enough notice- she doesn't want me to start until june.

.....

So i have come to the conclusion that i have no self-esteem. And I don't really know why. I don't feel like such a bad person most of the time. But I am excruciatingly sensitive. I get upset about everything. I don't like to be around people. Andrew's joking around really hurts my feelings and just a strange look from someone will make me burst into tears. It's not getting better.

Mom wants me to paint andy a picture for fixing my car but i haven't had any inspiration in years. I haven't done anything arty since my 2005 book. I don't feel creative.

I had a dream the other night that all my teeth were falling out. in chunks and some were crumbling and some were dangling there until i finally spit them out. It was like some weird game show. I was walking through my day at a really fast pace constantly feeling shards of teeth in my mouth that i had to spit out and explain to everyone i was seeing. I remember I looked in a mirror at one point and saw one hanging on for dear life and i was scared to pull it because i didn't want it to hurt. It finally fell out like the rest. The strangest part of all of this was that no one else could tell that i was losing my teeth until they saw me spit out pieces and even then all my teeth were still partially there and the part that was falling out was conveniently hidden.

I keep dreaming of dads house. it's exactly the same each time. the same colors, lightness, eerie feeling. different things happening each time. Am I homesick?

I should get to doing my homework. I think i'll have a cup of tea and get started.