what a day

It was great but very very long. i was at the daycare at 7:20am this morning with a large cup of coffee in my hand. I worked in the baby room with aisha and we had a good time talking and cleaning and taking care of babies. The kids were excellent and nothing went wrong. Debbie gave me a bag full of handmedown shirts that was taped closed with "little mary g" written on top. I went to panera for lunch and then to work with Jesse. It was her sister's birthday today so that made it more fun - we went to her sister's soccer game then went to get take-out and ate olive garden and potstickers (?! I know it was awesome.) then finished up late and came home. Trek invited me out to the corner but I'm not sure if i want to go. I have to be at work at 7:15 again tomorrow but I get off at 5:30. Wednesday will be similar to today. 

I did get some bad news, I wont be getting my women's studies certificate until next january when I graduate but I still get to attend the brunch. Wtf. oh well I'm just not as excited anymore. I fulfilled my requirements for women's studies. They don't do a brunch/certificate thing in january they just mail them to you. It feels fake now. 

I'm excited to work at the daycare tomorrow. I'm just exhausted. I think it's time for bed. 

i'm done

this double standard makes me look stupid. Why do you have to say things like that?

What am I waiting for? there is only present and past. wishing is useless. 

finals fun

The best night I have had in a long ass time. :)

As I sit on the dunes, and inhale, the cool gust of lake-air brushes up against me. The sound of the wind on my eardrum calms me down. I exhale and the waves crash onto the sand, splashing my feet.  With my eyes closed I hear seagulls overhead and feel the sun on my face. Finally relaxed. This is my sanctuary. This is my escape. Sitting on the beach looking over a seemingly endless lake I don’t feel so important. My problems melt away… in the summer at least. 

support beam:insulation

I might cry. I'm probably just hormonal. I'm sitting in my apartment alone... I should be happy. I'm just sad. More nervous. I want a dedication. A book chapter! or maybe just my name in some sand. Mary's rock, of rockygappark. You know what I'm talking about, the few times what you're feeling seems like the most important thing in the world. and still insignificant and unnoticed.  I can't stop thinking about my life. All of it. My head's been in the past today and I can't shake it. 

"get loved make more try to stay alive"

how is this not the point? open you're heart up a bit. 

sometimes i can't tell when I'm writing whether it's to myself or someone else. it's always both.

today was a good day. And I guess I have good music and i'm about to get some sleep so it's a good night too. 

I want to talk about the future. I need to in order to get rid of some of this anxiety. 

why do i even bother?

Mushaboom

( written by Feist )

Helping the kids out of their coats 
But wait the babies haven't been born 
Unpacking the bags and setting up 
And planting lilacs and buttercups 

But in the meantime I've got it hard 
Second floor living without a yard 
It may be years until the day 
My dreams will match up with my pay 

Old dirt road
Knee deep snow 
Watching the fire as we grow old 

I got a man to stick it out 
And make a home from a rented house 
And we'll collect the moments one by one 
I guess that's how the future's done 

How many acres how much light 
Tucked in the woods and out of sight 
Talk to the neighbours and tip my cap 
On a little road barely on the map 

Old dirt road
Knee deep snow 
Watching the fire as we grow old 
Old dirt road
Rambling rose 
Watching the fire as we grow well I'm sold 

dumb bad luck?

today had me from the very beginning. I guess I was in a fog before i woke up.  I just couldn't keep it together and all I could think as i was sitting staring at the no parking sign my car died in front of was "I get the best of the worst".  Because while my car dying on the way to class is pretty ridiculous  the fact that I was lucky enough to make it on to a side road, but not quite far enough to be legal and walk to class, just makes me want to scream. and while I has andrew available to come rescue me he was sick and running a fever and had to come bail my ass for the gazillionth time that even I'm wondering why the fuck he puts up with it.  Not to mention being on time to meet jesse's bus but not having to key to get into her house, ugh (and again andrew rescues me). 

I shouldn't really complain... somehow, in some ass backward way it always works out. Every fucking mess I get myself into somehow ends up for the best. If I could remember this when it's all happening it probably wouldn't freak me out so much.  But I just can't help feeling like my best intentions are being strategically shot down by my arch nemesis. dumb fucking bad luck is what i have. Sara said if it wasn't for bad luck i wouldn't have any at all.... but the bad luck I have in the short term really isn't too effective in stopping me from doing what i need to do. I guess I should just suck it up and learn to relax. 

Tomorrow is another day. Thank god they go by fast nowadays. Maybe I'll get lucky and tomorrow will be boring. 

cheeers!

you cant handle my infinite nature can you?

I made University Honors! I'm so excited this has been something I dreamed of for a while now. To tell you the truth I called to make sure it wasn't a mistake before I got too excited. It's real. It was just a great thing to have happen. 

Now I'm on my way to marshall and Kzoo for our mini brewery tour. First Dark Horse then the hotel then Bell's.  It should be a great night. I'm all dressed and ready to go. I cut my hair and put on makeup - that's how excited I am. 

Finally things are getting good again. Now if i just had a car.....

trip/random thoughts

The rest of our trip was pretty great. Well... after I got done crying at Louis Benton because I was convinced the guy that poured our water was making fun of me. We went to bed early after that and woke up sunday to drive to east lansing. Andrew wanted to get part of the drive done but we were not quite ready to go home. So we picked a holiday inn and settled in for another night. We ordered pizza then went swimming (finally!) and we had the whole pool to ourselves. I had a great time and wore myself out in the short time we were there.

We made the 4:20 showing of be kind rewind at the IMAX. It was cool but I don't think it was any better than a regular movie theater. We went back to our hotel with a 6pack of michigan IPAs and ordered room service for dinner. It was not as good as the Hilton's and was a bit overpriced. We just hung out and watched tv and relaxed. It was a great time. the vacation i have been waiting for.

then it's back to reality. I got a call from Zoe and she wants me to watch the kids over the summer and she is willing to give me a raise. I really want to do it but i'm scared of ann getting mad that she has to schedule around something else. I guess it's enough notice- she doesn't want me to start until june.

.....

So i have come to the conclusion that i have no self-esteem. And I don't really know why. I don't feel like such a bad person most of the time. But I am excruciatingly sensitive. I get upset about everything. I don't like to be around people. Andrew's joking around really hurts my feelings and just a strange look from someone will make me burst into tears. It's not getting better.

Mom wants me to paint andy a picture for fixing my car but i haven't had any inspiration in years. I haven't done anything arty since my 2005 book. I don't feel creative.

I had a dream the other night that all my teeth were falling out. in chunks and some were crumbling and some were dangling there until i finally spit them out. It was like some weird game show. I was walking through my day at a really fast pace constantly feeling shards of teeth in my mouth that i had to spit out and explain to everyone i was seeing. I remember I looked in a mirror at one point and saw one hanging on for dear life and i was scared to pull it because i didn't want it to hurt. It finally fell out like the rest. The strangest part of all of this was that no one else could tell that i was losing my teeth until they saw me spit out pieces and even then all my teeth were still partially there and the part that was falling out was conveniently hidden.

I keep dreaming of dads house. it's exactly the same each time. the same colors, lightness, eerie feeling. different things happening each time. Am I homesick?

I should get to doing my homework. I think i'll have a cup of tea and get started.

Ok so the last few days have been the best ever. and today tops it all. We are at the Hilton in Grand Rapids. We went to go the beerfest in grand rapids and we had to take a cab from our hotel to the event. Not a big deal except when we got there the guy at the gate was like... We're sold out of tickets- sorry. So he tells us to go up to will call and ask them because there might be a few extra. So we walk up to will call and ask and they say no of course. then some random girl tells us the guy in the blue hat has the tickets. And HE DOES. So we get our tickets and go in and get some beer right away. there are tons of breweries and we see matt and andrew sees some other guy from dunning that he knew and we get some good pictures.

It was a ton of fun until we go to get some food and warm up. We get separated and the food line (the ONLY food line) is like an hour long. so I try to find warmth and am unsuccessful then we use our last tokens and get a cab back to the hotel only to find that the hotel restaurant is under renovation. HAha. So we go back to the room. order crab stuffed mushrooms and cocktail shrimp and put in reservations to louis benton steakhouse. I'm so excited i could burst. I've had such a good weekend and we are about to go have some good food then go swimming in the hotel pool.

I really needed to get away from everything and this has been better than expected. Even the little disappointments didn't seem so bad. It is great to have MY andrew back. He's such a great person I just can't tell you. I'm so ready for some food. it's been a long cold day. :)