[amessofphotos]

3.30.2010

don't drink espresso at 8pm

I can't sleep.

I'm so conflicted lately. All I can think about is living a no impact lifestyle in the middle of nowhere.

And then there is the other half of me that is ecstatic about fulfilling my dreams and creating an alternative to this mess we call civilization... the part that gets me up everyday. No matter what happens I get pushed closer to my dreams and I'm constantly in awe of how lucky I am.

Then why do I hate everything so much?

There are the large things, like civilization, war, and inequality. Then there are the little day to day things. The smashing of the car into the parking structure post once again. The annoying little rodent I call a pet keeping me up at all hours chewing on the cage. The busted blood vessel I got from clapping at her to stop. The apartment hunting, the insurance hassles, and the drama.

I haven't been able to check my blood sugar in a week because my insurance (the one for my cystic fibrosis) wont cover them. Why won't they cover them? I have no idea when my diagnosis code printed on the prescription says "cystic fibrosis related diabetes". That's not type1 and that's not type2. It's a direct result of having cystic fibrosis. But they won't cover them. Why do I try?

My disease's effect on my body as analogous to our species effect on the earth. We're parasites that have overgrown our carrying capacity. What does a parasite do when it's host dies? It either finds another host or it dies too, and let's hope it reproduced! I know we will try to find another place to destroy but I seriously hope we don't.

I realize that without current technology I would not be alive. But that has no bearing on my opinion of either my effect on the earth or this disease's effect on my body. I shouldn't be alive right now and sometimes I can feel it. There is far more suffering in the world because of technology than there ever was without. We forget that death is a reality in this world and nothing is forever. We keep striving for more instead of recognizing how great we have it.

I'm really hoping that getting this stuff out of me will make it easier to fall asleep.
I shouldn't be awake right now I have so much to do tomorrow.
... goodnight.

free school meeting and oberon night with the roomie

we aren't meant to be freeeee it's all an illusion
we're the emperor and the fucking government is his new clothes

3.03.2010

sorrow drips into your heart through a pin-hole: your love is gonna drown

I woke up today wishing I was free from material possessions. I have a bag of half of my clothes going to goodwill.

And the things that need to be done? postponed.

My days of throwing around cash are over. I reveled in the abundance of middle class lifestyle while I could. Now I'm facing loan payback, no more financial aid, loss of a roomate, and increasing uncertainty over my future. Graduating from U of M, and acquiring the majority of a masters degree hasn't improved my SES. It's only dug me deeper into the hole that is capitalism. Now in order to gain any value from my degree I must put aside all of my motivation, knowledge, and convictions in order to pay the bills. Would I be in this situation anyway? It seems to be I'm damned if i do, damned if i dont.

Even "alternatives" to the system are out of reach. Coop housing is too expensive, low-income housing is a wait-listed, bureaucratic mess.

Then there is the endless cycle of intense, emotional connection followed by distraction, apathy, and unresponsiveness. Will the ups come back? Will the downs overshadow them?

Life is extremely messy and i shouldnt be the only one on the clean up crew. Can i get some help?

2.26.2010

New Ann Arbor school promises students environment of freedom, democracy - AnnArbor.com

2.19.2010

Tarot, horoscope, dreams, and reality...

Leo

By Rick Levine

You might have doubts about your current course of action, but rest assured that there's no clear right or wrong path now. No matter how you proceed, it's going to be a circuitous route and the detours will teach you more of what you need to learn than just zipping along a superhighway. Don't be too quick to judge yourself in a negative light because you'll have a very different perspective in a month or so when you look back at this time.

---------------

Feeling thoughtful...

I find it fascinating that the things in my life that lessen pain, provide comfort, relief, and escape cannot be prescribed by my doctor.

I feel as if I'm at a turning point in my life. A place where decisions must be made, paths chosen, etc. Yet, there is nothing pressing, no fork in the road, so to speak.

And then there is this feeling I've had all my life where I'm always looking in from the outside. Viewing my life as just out of arms reach. Why? Why can't I overcome this?

2.06.2010

My fortune: "Your current plans will succeed" (!)

I've been neglecting my inner dimension. I've been riding the wave for a while now and not really taking the time to consider where I'm going or why. I figure this is as good a time as any to get back into the habit of making conscious decisions, listening to myself, and prioritizing my plans.

The link in the title is the website for the democratic free school I have been working to start with a group of fabulous people from ann arbor. The Little Lake Free School is currently trying to secure a space to rent so that we can open our doors this fall 2010. If anyone has any leads on this they would be much appreciated!

This project is where I want to be spending my time and energy. My goals of starting an alternative school/community have only solidified over the last year and I'm determined to make this work. I say this knowing the paragraph that follows will show my hatred for the world overrides any hope I have of this school succeeding.

The problem is making my dreams coincide with what I need to do to survive in this world of extreme capitalist individualism. I don't like it one bit and my cynicism is growing at an astounding rate lately. Insurance, jobs, legal mumbojumbo, doctors, the industrial food system, GLCEs, as;ldkfj;lkdj... just shoot me now. Is what we're doing enough? I know it's better than nothing and it's what keeps me going everyday - the little hope I have that I can create a place, however small, where community isn't defined by your tax area but by genuine love of the people around you. But can we truly create this space if we are bound by a society around us that expects compliance to the american dream - single family home, suv (still?!), and success that's measured by the size of your wallet.

This is why I get so upset when I get the response "sometimes you have to play by the rules in order to get to a place where you can break them". This is the mindset that keeps those rules there... that makes sure only a few can get to the place where those rules dont apply to them, while the rest of us must continue to struggle. I want to change it all. At least I'm part of the solution and not part of the problem. There's something to be said for that.