thoughts

I sometimes got so wrapped up in my work that I forgot to take care of myself. On more than one occasion in the last couple of years I have run myself down. As I stare at the nurses setting up the scalpels and swabs I wonder if I should have taken it easier on myself. I had a reasonable excuse to sit it out a few times but I refused. More uncertainty. I needed to make something of myself in order to not give up completely. That’s the whole point isn’t it, to find yourself, to make life worth living? I made my life worth living in spite of the constant uncertainty about my future. It was a choice I made to either burn out or fade away. Am I burning out? 

This final question scares me back to reality and I finally ask for a piece of paper and a pen to record my thoughts at the last minute: I am not just my body. I am not just a disease, but this illness has been a defining feature of my life. Uncertainty turned into determined action in the end. My selfish search for meaning in my life made a difference in the world, if only slightly. I don’t feel any more certain about what will happen next but I feel more comfortable with that uncertainty. I hope the people I love are comfortable with it too. Most importantly, I want my son to know he was the icing on my cake. I knew I was complete the day he was placed in my arms. The joy I felt for both myself and my partner was overwhelming – we had waited for this day for years. I had waited my entire life. My body could not nurture a baby and I desperately wanted to be a mother. I have accomplished all of my goals except for watching him grow up.  I look forward to him growing up in the community I built for him and I hope he is happy there.  I hope he will grow up to be a socially conscious and sensitive young man, empathic and determined.  If I do not get to see those precious moments I want him to know this: 

Live with your uncertainty. It is ok to not know what is next – it means anything is possible. Remember that we are all merely human: our differences are not definitions they are accessories. Be as sensitive to the needs of others as you are to your own. Love as much as possible and know many people love you. Get an education and give back to the world. Don’t give up on yourself. Go for your dreams.             

I fold the piece of paper and write my son’s name on it. I call over the closest nurse and ask her to hold on to it. Understanding my intent she nods, smiles slightly, and walks away.  I lay down and hope she doesn’t have to pass it along.             

“Alright, Mary. Count backward from ten slowly and we will see you in a few hours.”  

I take a breath, close my eyes and count. Ten… Nine… Eight… Seven…………….

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I picked up two books on Buddhism yesterday at the library with Jesse. It was my first day back to work after two weeks off for hospital/Ivs. I've been feeling drawn back to Buddhism lately as my life has careened out of control in the last few months. I'm hoping I can find some contentment through meditation and hopefully starting some yoga once I feel a little better. 

I feel very sentimental today. Doug's been gone all week and he is finally returning tonight which I think has something to do with it. I've also had a ton of alone time to just sit and think about life and just read through some old journal entries. I think I want to do another futuristic autobiography thingy like I did for my WS capstone... it was really helpful to figure out what exactly it is that I want out of life. I'm discontent and I am not sure what I can do to shake things up. 

I'm about to go to a visioning session for Little Lake. Melissa went on the NYC innovation tour by IDEA and wants to share with us what she learned. I wrote down my vision for little lake and it looks a lot different than it is now. it's much more communal living/working/learning than just a "free school". Also I dont want any required learning goals. Everything must be student initiated.